


Give Your All To Me

by Noelle2371



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Cardassians, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noelle2371/pseuds/Noelle2371
Summary: On a night that seems to be too good to be true with Chakotay, Kathryn Janeway's past brings it to a grinding halt.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Give Your All To Me

After their dinner, Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay watched through the viewport as the unfamiliar stars of the Delta Quadrant passed them by. After weeks of hardship thrust upon the ship’s crew, it was a welcome reprieve from the duty starship life demanded of everyone. Their last few dinners had been cancelled due to both of them overworking themselves, but Chakotay had insisted they keep this date. “We deserve a night off,” he had said.

And so there they sat, closer than they had ever sat before. She was curled into his side, feet tucked up under herself, and his arm around her shoulders. Both had never felt more content in their many years aboard Voyager than they did now.

Chakotay pointed to a group of stars. “Let's call them one ‘The Leola Root.’” Kathryn laughed, and it was sweeter than music to his ears. 

“And that one there can be ‘The Coffee Pot,’” she said, still giggling.

“Of course! What else would it be?” The laughter died down.

“And that one?” Kathryn pointed to another cluster.

“Hmm, almost looks like Orion, doesn’t it?” he mused.

“Maybe.” She hesitated. “Perhaps more of an Angry Warrior. See how he runs?”

“Where is running to? To… the Woman Warrior? Where is she?” he asked.

She took a deep breath. “Right here,” she whispered.

He turned to look into her eyes, brown looking deep into blue, seeing so much in a few fleeting seconds. Love, fear… hope.

He kissed her.

He kissed her gently at first, his lips barely grazing hers for a few seconds before drawing back, wondering if this tender yet bold move would wake Chakotay from the dream from the dream he was surely in.

But then she kissed him. Harder this time, giving in to the desperation to be close to the one person in the galaxy she had felt so genuinely drawn to. It felt so right, like coming to a place that felt like home. His hands wrapped around her waist, drawing her body close to his, and he parted her lips to taste her. He held her tightly in his embrace, running his hand down her back, afraid both she and this moment would disappear from his hands. 

And then she did. 

_Run,_ a voice whispered to her. _He only wants one thing. Run._ The voice came from the darkest part of her psyche, the part she kept locked up tight lest the iron dam break and consume her. 

She tore away from the couch, pushing his hands from her body before she would be trapped in them.

“N-no, please-” Whether she was saying this to herself or Chakotay, she did not know. She was breathing hard, and words were hard to piece together as her mind whirled with confusion. _Not now, please not now,_ she thought helplessly. _Please, let me love him._

“Kathryn?” Chakotay stepped up and gently raised his hands, attempting to placate the escalating anxiety he felt emanating from her. “I’m sorry. You’re right this is too fast. I shouldn’t have-

“No!” she interrupted. “It’s not you-”

“It’s you?” He teased.

“No!” her voice was rising. She felt like screaming. “I mean, yes. It is me.” Chakotay’s demeanor changed entirely as he realized how badly he was reading the situation. “I ju-just can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” Her cheeks warmed, and she turned to avoid his concerned and serious eyes. 

“If this is about protocol-” 

“Forget protocol.” she said, he back still turned to him. “It is me. And I can’t do this to you. You deserve so much more than I can ever give you.”

Chakotay hesitated, reaching his hand out to place on her shoulder. He didn’t expect Kathryn to be trembling. She strugged him off. “You should go,” she choked out, the words barely making it out of her mouth. 

He moved around to see with tears beginning to fall down her face. In her shame, she looked down at her boots, but remained unmoving from her position. 

Chakotay sighed. “I’ll go,” he said. “But only if you tell me why. Really why, not just some excuse about why you are no good Kathryn, You are so much more than good to me. And I will always want you.” 

“And that’s what I’m afraid of. You want me. I want you. But I can’t give myself to you, not in the way one person can really give themselves to another. To be one, I mean,” she said.

“Sex?! This is about sex?” she cringed as he said the words. He tried again, softer this time. “You want to talk about that now? I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I moved too fast. I just wanted to kiss you. It just seemed like it was too good to be true and yes, I want you in that way but if this is as real as I think it is, that’s down the road. We can go slow, Kathryn. As slow as you want.”

There was a lull.

She looked up at him. “And if I never want you in that way? Can I ask that of you? Is that fair? To deny you what every n-normal p-person desires?” he chest heaved. “I love you so much with every bit of myself but I can’t bring myself to m-make love to you.” The tears were coming harder now. “I can’t Chakotay! I’ve tried, I’ve tried. I just- just hate it. It’s better to have none of me than part of me.” She wrapped her arms around herself, no longer able to speak as her cries overtook her. 

Not knowing how to respond, Chakotay gestured back to the couch in order not to touch her but to provide a safe place for her to ride out the storm she was enduring inside herself. Thankfully, she sat, and Chakotay eased himself down as well, giving her some breathing room. 

“Kathryn?” he said, after a moment. “You love me?”

“Y-yes,” she shuddered, trying to bring herself back to reality. “With all of my heart. I’m sorry, I’ve made such a fool of myself. It was just a kiss, and I did like it at first. I never should have assumed that you would want to go further. That was unfair to you.” She wiped the tears from her eyes in a futile attempt to present herself as someone in control of the present moment. 

“That doesn’t matter to me. What matters is what just happened. Where,” he sighed. “Where did that come from?”

“From the girl I used to be. Still am, I suppose, from the way I just lost it.” she said quietly.

“And who is that girl?” he asked.

She took a deep breath. “A girl who is still tapped in a Cardassian detention center.”

He did not speak, but he knew what she was going to say next. He knew Cardassains better than, well, maybe he didn’t actually, if what he assumed about the woman in front of him was correct. She continued.

“It was years ago, my first posting actually, with Admiral, well, Captain Paris back then, on the Al-Batani. I was an Ensign on a supposed science mission which was just a cover for intercepting enemy data during the Federation-Cardassian conflict.” 

The dam in the recesses of her mind was showing cracks, and her story began to seep through. “They showed up out of nowhere, we were taken completely unawares. I didn’t know what was happening, I was kept in the dark from the true purpose of the mission.” She hesitated before continuing.

“They left me alone at first. I could hear the captain screaming from my cell, and I had never been so scared. But he wouldn’t give them the information they wanted, and so the soldiers brought me out, to-to- convince him. I don’t know how many. I just let it happen. They were too strong and too many and I was so scared, Chakotay, so scared.” She started to cry again, softer, barely realizing she was doing it. She was somewhere else entirely.

“And I’ve tried since then. To-to love someone. And it just hurts so much. What they did to me was ugly and disgusting and I know it wasn’t my fault for what they did but I feel like it’s my fault for not being able to overcome it. It’s been twenty years and I can’t bring myself to-” She stopped and turned to Chakotay, her trance breaking.

“I love you Chakotay. I do. But can you love me if I can’t give my all to you?” she asked.

He did not speak for several moments.

When he did, he said “If what I know about love to be true, then I think you have given me your all. You have given me mercy in sparing the Maquis. You have given me respect among the crew as your First Officer. You have given me companionship in our nights spent together at dinner. You have given me your love of learning about distant races and worlds. You have given me your courage in facing insurmountable odds in this corner of the universe. You have given me your beauty, your happiness, your sadness, your despair, your soul, Kathryn.”

A smile began to creep onto her face. “Don’t make me cry again,” she warned, joking a bit.

“You have bared your soul to me Kathryn Janeway. And that is what love is. Our road is our own, there is no comparison to us. However far or near we go, it doesn’t matter. Our love will be whatever we want it to be. Hear this,” he pleaded. “I love you. For everything you have given me, I love you for it.”

She reached out a shaking hand, and he took it.

“Will it be enough?” Kathryn asked.

“It is enough. It is your all. I cannot ask for more of it.” Chakotay said. He leaned in, waiting to see if she would too, and when she did, placed a gentle kiss upon her lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave any comments or criticisms, I can only become a better writer when I hear the truth. :)


End file.
